My friends are getting married later this year. They are called Jon and Anita and they are awesome. The other night we were eating Thai takeaway and sipping red wine and Anita joked that I should write a poem about the pair of them. So I did. God, I hope they never read this. The truth is Anita is one of the most gorgeous (slimmest) girls I know. But when I write my poems they take a path of their own. I have no control over what happens…. Anyway, I hope this makes you laugh. Or at least snigger a little.
I know a guy named Jon, whose girlfriend weighs a tonne.
Her name is Betty Boo, and she lives at Melbourne Zoo.
Now Betty is an ugly brute, but Jon believes she’s really cute.
He loves her very, very much, he even lusts after her touch.
But Betty wasn’t always foul, or savage, like she is now.
And this here is story about, she became an ugly lout.
It starts way back in ‘94, when Jon worked at the corner store.
Betty came in from time to time, usually to buy a lime.
Back then she was a gorgeous lass, oozing elegance and class.
All the boys would swoon and say, “Betty Boo, you’ve made my day.”
But things didn’t stay that way, after one fateful day…
Betty Boo was running late, for yet another fancy date.
She rushed into Jon’s corner store, then rushed out through the little door.
But there was something in the lime; a toxic, mutant, runny slime.
She convulsed and jerked and shook, and it changed her pretty look.
Her face became so very foul; she covered it with a towel.
Her hair fell out and teeth went holey. Then her skin got really moley.
She was a sweet and lovely girl, but now she made you want to hurl.
Yet Jon could only see, how pretty she could be.
Though she put on weight, he still took her on a date.
And when she could not speak, he kissed her on the cheek.
He promised her a diamond too, when she got sent to the Zoo.
Now Jon is very, very sly, so don’t feel sorry for the guy.
For Betty is a wealthy bitch, she’s filthy, filthy, filthy rich.
She owns a plane and flying crew, And a little island too.
It was Jon who sold her poisoned lime, earlier in this rhyme.
He wanted her to be a brute, so he could get at all her loot.
All the boys quickly forgot, how much they had been besot.
That’s when Jon pulled out a ring, to achieve his evil sting.
They wed inside the Zoo, and honeymooned their too.
Then after that he was free, to go on the ultimate shopping spree.
[Featured picture courtesy: http://freakmutantmonster.blogspot.com.au/2010/12/ichloogie.html]