Shtick

Whoever said that comedians can’t laugh at their own jokes has not yet seen my stand-up. Honestly, laughing at my jokes (usually before I have finished them) is my entire shtick. Not like a little chuckle or a cute snort – I’m talking uncontrollable tears-down-cheeks, snot-out-the-nose howling. I laugh so hard that my audience (read: my long-suffering family) ends up laughing out of shear contagion (and possibly awkwardness).

For your pleasure, here are some of my best jokes. Entirely for free! You are very welcome:

Remains to be seen if glass coffins become popular.

Statistics show that six out of seven dwarfs aren’t happy.

I told my friend she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

Where do Generals keep their armies? In their sleevies.

What do you do when you see a spaceman? You park, man.

I bought my friend an elephant for his room. He said, “Thanks.” I said, “Don’t mention it.”

I asked my friend how it was living in North Korea. He says he can’t complain.

I was feeling lonely the other day, so I bought some shares. It’s nice to have a bit of company.

I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.

A Freudian Slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother

A termite walks into the bar and asks, “Is the bar tender here?”

What happened to the cow that jumped over the barbed wire fence? Udder destruction.

Knock knock. Who’s there? Europe. Europe who? No, you’re a poo!

Knock knock. Who’s there? I eat mup. I eat mup-who!

What’s brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr Dre.

Whiteboards are remarkable.

Cows. Each and every one of them, outstanding in its field.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

END SCENE

So there you have it! A laugh a minute!

I’d also like for it to be noted: All of my jokes are sourced entirely from Reddit. So technically, I am not laughing at my own jokes anyway.

(Don’t worry I’m not quitting my day job)

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